I seriously hope that someday you will realise that you do have this kind of freedom all these while, just that I exploded at the wrong time before your dad does..so to say our breakup as form of release, I was kinda hurt becoz I dun think I've ever tried to tie you down before..I merely wanted you to take a step back and think logically about your effort and returns and focus..more like your seniors are the ones tying you down to the CCA making you commit more and more until you do not want anything else (like studies/me etc), until you finally give up on trying to make them satisfied..haiz..laopo, I know you are tired..I know SAVE has a taken a toll on you and I shouldn't be reprimanding you at a time when you needed support the most..I was wrong..I just hope that you will come back to me soon..I really want to hear you calling me laogong again and want to have you in my arms again..I love you...hopefully we can resolve our issues soon after you grad..

Anw, so far all my friends who have heard about it feels that it's damn wasted because the underlying issue is communication..which is 1 of the factors that I placed the highest priority in..so ya, i think if we could work that out, it shouldn't be too difficult to resume the relationship..anw, wanting to be different and daring to be different is just a fine line between being special and just plain wu liaoness..I am not judging anyone (definitely not referring to you of coz)..but hope you can bear that in mind =)

anw, being tired really helps to relief the brain from thinking too much..but that also mean i can't study much also..lolz..but it's getting better ba..I think..so dun worry, at least I'm starting to read a bit more liao..hopefully won't be too late tho recess wk is ending..zz..

Anw, I'm sleeping late every night because I tend to think less when I am tired..

Oh, I didn't tell you this coz I don't know if you wanna know..this afternoon when I was waiting for bus home at the bus stop, the sun was very bright..I saw a little bit of clouds (not those very dark kind)..so I thought to myself, if it rains, it means we would get back together..and guess what?It started drizzling lightly! The left and right side of the bus stop was absolutely clear of any clouds! I don't know if this is just a coincidence or what..but ya..maybe it's a sign as well..haha..tai yang yu

why do you just want to make the decision of moving on and possibly numbing something that existed for 4 years+? You should know how much you mean to me, and if I had left you just because I get very busy and my feelings for you dwindled, you will feel my pain too but that will never happen becoz I do not want you to feel this kind of pain at all..I really want to give you space and am trying my best to not talk about these issues when msging you but sometimes your msges to me don't even seem like you treat me as a friend..haiz..

I know you are not ready for any r/s now, but at least just slowly give us a chance to warm up to each other again??I am not doing this because of zw, not because of the length of our r/s..but because you're someone whom I truly truly love..do you know how painful it is to lose someone you truly love??haiz..dearest laopo, pls don't like that can?? I may not seem like a man whining here, but these are my true feelings..feelings which I want tell you but cannot..forever is a word which I've used on you which I keep my word to, but it's a word which you said at that time yes you want, now no longer feel like..haiz..have you ever wondered why did we become like that? What is the causing factor? I still believe it's SAVE that numbed your feelings for me..but I don't blame them, I only blame myself for not being able to provide enough to let you feel loved by me..haiz..laopo, I love you..I seriously doubt I can get over you, and i really don't know if I ever will have the courage to start a new relationship with another girl..even if I do, I am not sure if I will put in my true feelings as well..haiz..

I just want you to be my laopo...I love you...wr laopo

Anyway, I'm glad you said you realise the things I've told you about..and you said that's why you don't feel I'm suitable for you becoz you are someone who have to hit the wall before knowing that it's pain..hm..but I don't want you to keep hitting walls..it's going to be pain..anw, most of the time I only warn you that there's a wall but have never stop you from going to the wall..

Oh and I guess you were probably too tired to think straight yesterday and you said some hurtful stuff like "you want hold (my hand) then hold, don't want then don't hold" hm..to me it juz feels like is I yi xiang qing yuan..anw, the way you got irritated because he was there at the airport mrt waiting to wave hi..I can understand but it does make me feel as though I am the third party at times because you sort of maintain a friendlier attitude towards him but treat me real coldly at times..I know you treat him as a friend, but I think you should perhaps tell him to stop all his advances if you really don't have that kind of feelings for him..but then again, I know it's nice to have people chasing you..

Anw, I peeped at your phone and when I saw that you told him something like "is he want hold my hand"..I'm could infer that you probably tell him that you don't want to hold my hand but I want to hold yours..I dunno man..but I seriously find that telling him all these things about us is just hurting to me and would probably lead him on to think that you don't love me anymore..and when you tell me that he still hugs you, I was really angry because he is just using the name of good friend to get close to you..seriously..but probably because you don't want to lose such a friend, you do not know how to say no..hm..i dunno man..i'm seriously ok if he is genuinely a good friend..but not with ulterior motives..

I dun understand why are you doing this to me..I don't know if you realise it at this moment, or maybe if you realise it, you won't admit it that all these while, it might be your CCA and your seniors that have been tying you down rather than me tying you down..and becoz you don't know how to say no, you take on more stuff to the extent that I seems to be the one that tie you down when in fact all along, I gave you quite substantial freedom to do your work..and then you chose to give up on a relationship and someone who silently support you by taking care of your health so that you got the energy to carry on with what you want to do..then now, you've finally grown tired of it and want to call it quits (your CCA)..25 days after being 'released' by me..but have no intention of getting back into the r/s..

Many times, people just want to protect you because people outside the picture can usually see things more clearly and also things that are likely to happen..they have no intention of tying you down or whatsoever..it has nothing to do with being understanding or supportive..it's difficult to want someone who genuinely care and love to support behaviours that will harm you real badly..it's like my dad..when the family tells him things, he feels that we are always against him and don't understand his way of thinking..and he always choose to believe people outside..then when things happen, he only says “我哪里知道”..but the thing is we've warned him beforehand..and he refuse to listen..so i juz hope even though stubborn is part of your character, you have to try and be more receptive to what your close ones tell you..yes, every1 has their own thinking..but if you become like my dad, who just wants to be different from the rest of the world and isolate yourself just so that you could do what you want, then it's going to be very difficult for yourself and your close ones..it's not about conforming..but rather discerning between the appropriate and not..

i hope if you somehow took time to read this, you don't feel that I still don't understand you well enough..but rather I hope you understand that this world does not allow anyone to just do what they want to do, sometimes, you've to learn to accept this fact and be mindful that whatever you do, the ones that will never leave you are the ones closest to you and they are also the ones who will worry and xin tong when you engage in self-destructive behaviour..love you..

I'm not justifying whether I am right anot, but I really want you to be healthy so that we can be together for a long time (if we ever get back tgt)..hm..anw, I dunno what are you going to think about, SAVE?us?your family?zw?hm..but I just hope whatever outcome that you've thought through, it'll be a positive one..and I'm really praying for it..I'm sure your dad also kan bu xia qu how you have not been sleeping and your mum is also very worried, but it's just that I exploded much earlier than them so I got the "you're fired!" first..and I do hope you realise that our so called problem started only after you started taking on more stuff and listening to your seniors more..not saying they broke our r/s, but rather they in a way ask you do stuff and thus even though they ask you to spend more time with me, you do not have it because you need to complete the stuff they ask you to do..hm..

Anw, when you said zw will respect your wish of staying single for now, I wasn't surprised..like I said, a guy who wants to woo a gal will definitely do anything or say anything that will please the gal..whereas the person who truly loves and care for the person will attempt to protect her by either eliminating the danger or warning her about things..I did the latter but my warning was seen as been not understanding of what you are doing so ya..I don't want to parent/control you, and I kept telling you I feel like your dad sometimes because it's the little basic things that you didn't do that will accumulate and harm your body in the future that I've to take care of because you do not care much about your own body..so laopo, I hope you can see my ku xin..I don't want to lose you..if we get back tgt, I will try and quan you but in a less forceful way ok??probably you also have to try and be more receptive to things people say ba..hm..laopo must be all right k!! Always loving you de laogong..I do not feel xinku at all, and you are not undeserving too so long as you love me as much =x

Anyway, there were a few times when I woke up in the middle of night thinking of you, and your sms came almost immediately like this morning!! I'm not sure if that is a kind of fate..but at least it's something worth noting coz it's not once or twice alrdy..

And during my orientation camp last June, not sure if you realised, but I was actually trying my best to reply you as fast as I can..because I knew you felt a bit insecure that I will get to know more girls and then don't want to be with you anymore. In fact, that never occurred in my mind before, I've never don't want you before..never ever..and thus, throughout the camp I was pretty isolated to text you hopefully can make you feel more secure..I didn't even attempt to talk to any of the girls..in the end, I made acquaintances rather than friends..I'm not blaming you for anything..I just hope that you can realise that even though I may not seem to care about your stuff, but actually below the "heck-care" appearance, I care a lot a lot..in fact I think sometimes I'm even more worried about you than your parents are about you..especially when you're going home late at night and when you for a period of time do not sms me between your journey from school to home, I'd be literally praying that you are fine and nothing must happen to you..becoz when I see you so tired, I am really afraid you will collapse 1 day..but now I finally know why is it sometimes you do not sms me till you're home, because someone has all the while been sending you home..haiz..maybe that was why I did feel a bit betrayed..and your defence is that it's not you to report to someone..but I don't think this is reporting, it's more of communication than reporting..haizz..

I know my previous way of loving you has been wrong..and you finally leak out something that the week before we broke, I was being very feng ci..and I totally agree..many a times I've already wanted to say "hao le laopo, let's not be difficult to each other anymore"..but I just couldn't say it..because i was really hoping that you'd realise you might have overdone certain stuff even if it can't be helped..that's why I was being very cold to you that period..but it did the reverse obviously..and when you told me, you have no regrets making the decision, I was really disappointed..

Anw, I think the punishment/retribution has come almost immediately after that night now that you are so cold to me..haizz..1 week of coldness resulted in a lifetime of regrets..laopo, forgive me and give me a chance please??even if it's not now, at least don't be so cold to me anymore le hao ma?I know I've deeply hurt you during that week and that night, but after the breakup, I am also deeply hurt by some of your words and actions and it's already 23days le..laopo, pls don't do this to me anymore le hao ma?? =(( when I gave you the letters and purposely left blank spaces for you to fill, you did not fill, I was really sad..becoz it probably mean that to you, they are just blank spaces, but to me, it means a lot more, it means my love (that's you), it means our relationship..

Anw, Jas told me that when she's with wy, she's also pretty self-conscious and will tend to be in her best to impress..I know you've done that and is tired of doing it, in fact, I've also done that just that in a more subtle manner..and both she and I agree that it is a behaviour of presenting your best self to someone you truly love..and couples quarrel are common, but I guess if the quarrel takes too long to come, it's going to be a very bad quarrel and it has proven in our case..our issues deep down is seriously lack of communication, if I had spent more time with you talking to you face to face instead of just sms-ing, things wouldn't turn out the way they are today..

I really do not wish to end up like the na xie nian movie where my true love left me after 1 night of miscommunication and stupid quarrel and end up regretting for my entire life..do you know that I do not have anymore close girl friends apart from jas who already have someone she loves?becoz all these while, I've only wanted to be with you for the rest of my life..我爱你老婆..my gut feel has been pretty much accurate and this time round, I am very sure after the 4 yrs+ together, that it'll be even more accurate that you are the one for me..sorry that i've hurt you..I really love you and wants to be with you again and hear you call me laogong again...

But after I left then we started to message, then your messages slowly turned cold again..until the goodnight message which you said warm your heart a bit..I was so happy to c that!!!!!! But today, just only, when I ask you to smile yi ge..then you are said you are just being indifferent and cannot be possibly be happy everyday..and when I said I wan to be the one to make you smile everyday and be happy everyday, you replied saying you just wan to be independent now..I dunno what you meant by tt..but really, maybe i think too much, but it's a form of rejection I think..which straight away sent my mood to rock bottom again..haizz..laopo, I really love you..and I really don't want to be hurt constantly like this..and you just said "let you know ltr" when I ask you how come your attitude towards me change again when ytd you agreed to let me warm up to you but today you like tt..what do you mean by that?!!

seriously...pls don't reject me like this can...haiz...I won't give up becoz I still love you a lot a lot and still very much want to be with you..this is an unchangeable fact..haiz...laopo, y don't you just give both of us a chance..not asking you to commit now, but give both of us a chance to find back the feeling and close the gap???haiz...i love you..it's the 22nd day since you left me...i can feel myself losing weight becoz this thing literally affected my appetite everyday! =x not blaming you..but juz hope you don't be suddenly hot n cold to me..will fall sick de..and I'm alrdy lovesick..

I was at club Zirca just now, there weren't much people..my friends could tell I wasn't feeling happy..I tried to drink to get high or even drunk but I just couldn't..and 1 of my friends actually told me that he might not fully understand how I feel because he is single, but he admire me for what I am doing and my feelings for you..I'm not praising myself here..but I guess even my friends around me could feel how much you meant to me..and another 1 who is married after hearing what happened, told me that it's not worth it to let it go like that..if can should really salvage it..becoz really, I think it was because of our miscomm and misundstding over a period of time that's why when the issues get uncovered, it has such a big impact..so that's y we should try and talk to each other more..

Anw, when I saw zw just now, I really wanted to punch his face..I dunno y..but he kept having the kind of smirk on his face..like a freaking proud guy..maybe I am bias..but it could also be maybe he is really proud that by supporting you all the way, it indirectly caused us to break up and now he stand a higher chance?haha..i dunno man..

anw, i'm really sry for not informing you tt i was going..because I really wanted to give you a pleasant surprise..but it turn out to be one which you ask "how come you are here?"..and seeing that you didn't drink nor eat whole day and that you weren't feeling well really pains me a lot a lot..how not to care about you like that??I don't want you to feel stress or what..so I'm just asking you to let me care for you, don't be so cold to me anymore and dun hurt me with those hurtful words where it implies pushing me away or finding me to be a nuisance and hindrance to your life...I said be4 I'll never ever let you be alone..the world can give up on you, but I won't..

anw, weiseng was very nice and he said the save people sense sth was wrong at the chalet..lolz..but i told him at the chalet we still tgt..LOLz..but now he knows about us liao..yup..20th day since you left me..and i still want you back..

And y everytime when I just recovered from sadness a bit then you must deal another blow to me and hit me to rock bottom again..haiz..i really love u laopo..don't hurt me anymore le hao ma??it's already 18days le..i dunno what i'll become if this goes on..i'm not asking you to commit now, i am just asking for you to open up to me and accept me as someone close to you, always there for you...

this aftnoon u ask me to not si chan lan da..haiz..but I am trying my best to not..i really juz want to do tings for u and make u smile and make it up to u..hm..am I really that tao ren yan??yes, I may not have said a lot of sweet stuff to you..but my feelings have never being fake be4..each time I say I miss you, I love you..they are all real..hm..haiz..nvm..coz u also won't be reading this..anw, I wan to marry you not because I can live with you, but because I can't live without you...

anw, when I heard that zw went up to your house at such late hours, and even stayed downstairs..I could not describe my feelings..again I'm not bad mouthing..but a guy should never make a gal feel guilty by doing this sort of thing..he shld have just taken a cab back...tt's wat i feel..i can really feel his strong methods of chasing you..n I'm pretty sure he is bombarding you with all those sweet stuff everyday..but I really hope you do not fall for it..becoz e more u reply to him, e more likely he is going to continue until he get you..so if you really do not have that kind of feelings for him, u shld draw really clearly the line with permanent marker and refrain from being too warm to him, else it's unlikely tt he will give up..or mayb u do enjoy the way he is treating u now..hm..

Anyway, when I saw that my contact name on your phone today has changed from our trademark to winston..I was really really heartbroken to see that..becoz I always thought our trademark will always be there no matter what..so it's not tt I was fighting with you over the name, but rather coz it dawned on me that you might have already moved on and doesn't want me to hold your hand anymore..hm..but I still very much want to!!=x

and when I ate the cake which you baked, I really felt very warm and nice and my appetite immediately improved..but during dinner, I had difficulties again..So i really don't know what's wrong with me..even like now, my stomach is growling but I do not feel like eating much..hmm..

Anyway, I felt very nice this morning when i put on the cufflinks that you bought for me..it really gave me a confident booster for my presentation..and once I reach home, I immediately use my spectacle cloth to wipe it clean and shining before putting back into the box!!=))

hm..but just now when I confirmed my gut feel that he send you home just now, I was once again filled with jealousy..I wanted to send you home but I knew it still wasn't the right time because you still feel pressurised when with me..so hm..

laopo, I just wan let you know that I've noe my mistake le..I really hope you will give me a chance to prove myself to you again..even if it's not immediately that you will return to me, at least slowly open yourself up to me again so that I can take care of you and support you..I am skinny and my shoulder may not be very comfortable to lie on but my heart has no one else but you..i so so wish to hear you call me "laogong!" again...

anyway, I'm not badmouthing the guy here..but a few of my friends did say he is the kind who sometimes may be a little too proud of himself even though he is a nice guy..so I guess he probably felt a sense of achievement when you told him we've broken up le..so i really hope you don't fall for his sweet words k..always loving you de laogong!

anw, today (the 16th day you left me) I am really happy to see you even though you are so tired as usual..but becoz I've finally understood why and learned to accept you for who you are, my temper didn't come up at all..and after you left me that day, I saw this story being shared on FB:

son: father, it's being quite sometime since I last got angry.

farmer: good, now I want you to take our the nails one by one whenever you feel angry but was able to cool down without hurting anyone.

The son did as told and after the last nail was removed. The farmer told the son,

farmer: look, even though your anger is gone, what you have done/said in the moment of anger, has left all these holes on the party receiving it and these holes are never easy to mend back.

After reading this story, I immediately regretted raising my voice and using harsh words. Had I read this inspirational story earlier, I'd probably have controlled my temper better. I am sorry laopo, I juz wanna get back with you again. Seeing you being tired, it pains me..but at least when I can be there to tc of you and let you lean, I feel so much better..I don't want to let you suffer alone anymore..I know in the past, I've not done enough..and even though sometimes you might feel undeserving, you are not..becoz there's no such thing as deserving or not when it comes to you..it's juz plain love..i did everything for you out of my true love..

I really enjoyed our time in Australia because every morning when I wake up, I see you..and I get to kiss you goodnight just before we turn in together..it was the most blissful thing I've ever experienced..becoz it really felt like we are husband and wife alrdy! So laopo, come back to me soon k?? I am really determined to give you a good life becoz in my eyes, you are alrdy my good wife....I've been complaining that I do not want to study anymore, but you are my motivation in life..I was able to mug so hard in the first sem becoz everytym I mug, I'm doing it for our future..that I can get a good job and you won't be so xin ku in the future..

as vocal as I can be, many times all these tots I tend not to share with you becoz I do not wan to give you pressure that you are not deserving..but mayb I shared too little that you felt I didn't love and care for you..but the answer is definitely NO! I think I care for you as much as your parents do, if not more..I'd rather you focus on your work..becoz I know you graduating alrdy and need to build up your resume so I supported you in a way which I felt will be least pressurising for you..but mayb becoz of that you felt I didn't support or even to the extend of putting you down..hm..I don't know when you will see all these that I've wrote..but no matter when you see it, it'll always be my true feelings..not a tinge of it is fake or written just to sweet talk you..I'll always love you no matter what..and I hope you will start to accept my love once again...

And I just realised you removed a post which I tagged you in..it's the note which laogong writes to laopo..haiz..i tagged you because I just wanted to show you how alike it is to me..out of the 10 points, I probably have done 9 of them..hm..maybe tt's y it's overkill..but u did e cruel move of removing it from your wall..i've no idea why becoz i stated clearly that I shared with you becoz it's like me and told u not to be stressed about it..but oh well....

yesterday night, you said you don't want me to keep so zhi zhuo..judging from all your replies and attitude, it seems you wan me to give up on u..but i've told u be4 tt even if the whole world gives up on you, I never will..I'm not zhi zhuo, I'm just very chi qing and it's not sth I can control..for you are the ONLY one I love..you kept on saying that you are not good, and it's not worth it for me..but to me, you're the best gal I can have..

laopo, don't so anti me le k?at least open up your heart once again to me..I know I've done you wrong and dui bu qi ni by scolding you..I really don't wanna lose you..give me a chance to find back the feelings we had for each other hao ma?

I alrdy tried my best to not pressurise u le..but it seems tt u're juz irritated by me..lyk a thorn in e flesh and juz want to get rid of me..haiz..I'm really drown in sadness every second since tt day...u said u will love me forever and no matter wat happens, you will stick with me..when I said those things, I am ready to commit myself to forever no matter wat happens..but now it seems tt ur heart has swayed and those words dun mean anything more to u...haiz..forever loving u de laogong..since i cant msg u these stuff, i can only write here and continue to hope that 1 day you will be touched and let me return to your side...

Today's the 12th day you left me. I met you yesterday for a very short while, walking you up to Engine LT1. I was very happy to see a slight smile on your face when I let you drink my water and showed you the waffles which I bought for you. But halfway through the journey, you were texting away to him..I wasn't looking at your phone and even if I did, I won't be able to see anything..but u had a huge response "don't see!"..so ya, during that time I was really jealous. Because I had given you the privacy and freedom when we were together but this in turn acted against me because the guy was actually there in the name of "good friend" for you for such a long period of time yet I didn't know..

I am not blaming him entirely, because I am at fault too..I was overconfident of our relationship that we have true love for each other since the beginning and that nothing will break us even if we have big quarrels. But when I saw the messages that he sends to you and you send to him 2 weeks ago, I was devastated.

And tonight, when I told you my mum said that such ppl are hai ren de, you defended him in a way that says some people will think that way. But the fact that he didn't back off after knowing you are attached just speaks volume of how he is as a guy. Would you go and confess and aggressively chase the person if you know that he/she is attached? Wouldn't that be indirectly causing problems in the other party's relationship? I know some people may say if I could kept your heart then he wouldn't even stand a chance..but the thing is, I was trying very hard to provide the support you want or need but as someone who really love and care for you, it pains me to the core to see you sleeping late/skipping meals etc..thus, that night I exploded uncontrollably which till now I am still regretting and I will probably live to regret unless I manage to return you..

I rmb asking Jaslyn about whether she thinks she will fall for me since we are kinda close frens..and she told me "you are attached, I won't even think about it"..and that's what I think real close frens are..n the fact tt she sometimes tell me it's my fault and not yours, shows tt she's someone who genuinely care as a fren..becoz only true frens guide you and tell you off when they need to..and not give blindly support..I know it's very nice to have someone who is there supporting you in everything you do, but sometimes it's really easy as someone who is not as close to provide the support because the person has nothing to lose..he won't feel the kind of pain/concern as much as someone who is close to you..

I don't know..but I feel that there are only 2 reasons a guy/gal will chase someone who is attached - 1st: he/she likes you (but he/she still should have kept a distance) 2nd: he/she probably get a sense of achievement when he/she managed to get the person..because any ethical and morally right people will not go after someone who is attached..

Anyway, I am not bad mouthing the guy..but if he can do this today, he might have very possibly attempted to break up or will break up other relationships as well..hm..i juz hope you don't fall for his sweet words and gesture becoz all those are juz gimmicks to woo a gal..for a start, I didn't sweet talk you yet we fell for each other shows that it's fate and true love..

anw, laopo, I just wanna let you know, my feelings for you are definitely true and I think my mum felt it too..coz she said this just now which I din tell you.."if she 把好人当成坏人，坏人当成好人就 bo bian"..then she says can only wait till the day you see the light and hopefully you will 回心转意..and yup, tho now u're being v cold to me and even told me tt if u were to go into a r/s now, he will be quite top, I won't be giving up..mm..I wan let you know that there's no one else on this earth (except mayb your parents) who loves you as much as I do..the nights which I can't fall asleep whenever I don't get your msg tt tells me you're safely home..how I coveted to spend the little bit of time tgt during Taiwan Immersion..and how we started off at the airport watching planes..

u asked me not to pin high hopes..n now u asked me if at e end u chose not to return..my heart once again broke..becoz u're e only 1 I love and will always love..haiz..laopo, pls return to me soon k?give me a chance and give us a chance to relight our flame..i really dun want to lose you..these 12days I can't think of anything but you..each time my phone rings, I so so so want to see our -w--w- appearing on my phone...hm..u say thr's nth much to regret..but to me, thr's a lot a lot..laopo, I'm praying to heaven and my grandfather everyday to let you come back to me..let me take care of you once again and have you leaning on me once again..i hope you will give me a chance soon..love you forever de laogong..wan to hear you calling me laogong once again coz everytym u call me, my heart actually skips a beat!