I realized it’s not exactly because I have a bad temper (even though I am rather impatient). But rather it’s because all these while (last 2-3 years), subconsciously I felt I wasn’t good enough for her and didn't deserve her love. So in a way, I was shifting a lot of blame on her unknowingly whenever things didn’t go my way just to make myself feel more worth and good enough for her. That’s why I did mention to her before that if she manages to find a better guy, she should leave me (even though when I said this, I did not want her to leave). Looking back, I think my temper towards her got worse after I came out from army. The army experience took a hit on me rather heavily where I put in my best and yet I was not recognized accordingly. In a way, I felt like a failure at managing relationships with people. Because my peers who may not have done as much were getting the promotion and recognition due to better relationships with the superiors while I again, only worked on the areas which benefit the team but neglected on managing the feelings of others. And when she took up the President role, I felt even more inferior thus, although the main reason for me to mug was because I wanted to have a good future and provide for her, a small reason that contributed it was because I know I won’t be able to achieve the things she has achieved. So, I wanted to use my results to at least make me feel more on par with her and also assure her that she no need worry about her family’s future because I will get a good job and provide for them.

I also realized all these while I was just trying to get her attention with all the anger over stupid things. I was trying to get her to make me feel important to her but in the end, it all backfired and came back to haunt me. You can’t make someone make you feel important unless you really make yourself important to that person which was what I didn’t do. I left her alone for pretty much most of the time and when she probably needed me the most, I wasn’t there for her and worse still, when she tells me about her troubles, I only tell her what to do when all she needed was a listening ear.

Don’t worry, I am not being harsh on myself. This is my thoughts as I type this in a place that has changed since 5 years ago. Things have changed, feelings do change but the things I did caused the change and speed up the change. Actually, for the longest period, I’ve been feeling rather hollow until she came into my life and fill up the hole. Because I don’t usually open to people, I do not have that many close friends but she was the only one who managed to make me so comfortable when I am with her. 

Now that she has moved on with life, I do feel happy for her because she wasn’t happy with me especially in the period leading to the breakup where I tried to enforce on her things like sleeping early and drinking water. I wanted her to take better care of herself but I compromised on the respect and trust that she needed and wanted that she could take care of herself. Also, because of my bluntness and directness, I have said many hurtful things to her, to the extent that I probably killed all the feelings for me in her. But many times, the things I said were really out of anger and do not represent what I truly want to convey as I tend to exaggerate things. I need to change else I will continue to hurt more people. And as I write finish this part, I just hurt my bf’s feelings by sending a “you suck” to her even though I meant it as a joke, she was kinda offended. It just goes to show how insensitive I am to people who are close to me.

Yes, it takes 2 hands to clap, so certainly both parties were wrong at some point in time. I just feel that if only I had practiced what I believe in – communication, things could have been very different. No, I am not living in the past, I am just going through the lessons I’ve learnt thus far. I’ve always been very vocal in voicing out what I want but I’ve failed to get her to voice out what she wants, hence, I began to assume things more and more. From assume, it became accuse.

I finally realized why is it that even though I did not mean to parent her, she felt it that way because of my approach. My approach of being very directive and assuming probably made her feel like I was just trying to control her. I was trying to make myself feel that I could do something for her, because she is the President of her CCA and as her boyfriend, I couldn’t do much to help her. Hence, I was trying to make myself feel like I could take care of her in these small little areas. But apparently, going into such details and be so critical about it can be very annoying overtime.

The stupidest mistake that some guys make is that when girls tell you about their problems, sometimes they don’t need your advice, they just need you to listen. But as a more forward thinking and dense guy, I tend to alert the person especially when I spot potential danger, even more so if I truly care for the person because I would want to protect the person. But, being over-protective will counteract any good intentions. I am usually pretty sensitive to people whom I am not close to but when it comes to people closer, I tend to be insensitive which I also don’t know why and I would want to change that as well.

Moving on, with the problems that we had, zw entered the picture. I won’t bad-mouth him because I don’t really blame him for what has happened even though he probably played a part somehow. I don’t really know him as a person, but from the things he has done or has been doing, he is probably a pretty strategic person. He claims that he do not know that she was attached when he fell for her, but in today’s fb age, it’s pretty impossible not to know someone is attached if you like the person right? You probably would have went through some of her facebook albums/photos etc. since you are interested in the person. Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore. =)

She did tell me after the break up that she might want to accept other guys who are good to her as well, and I know there and then that she was referring to zw.

There is no point in keeping her by my side if it brings her nothing but agony. Anyway, I’m just going to stick by: If it’s meant to be, it will be.