Actually, I don't know how to start this post. I am not mad/angry, I am pretty at ease and peaceful. I understand that she's probably treating me rather coldly to prevent giving me false hope so that I will give up. Yeah, this is the way to draw the line - cold + rejection + not fearing of hurting the person's feelings. The justification of not wanting to hurt zw's feelings when we were together doesn't say much about drawing any line. Furthermore, by allowing him to relentlessly pursue and allowing him to justify his pursuit as "fighting for what he really wants" isn't drawing any clear line at all. And as expected, eventually the feelings develop. It was pretty clear to me actually just that I chose to believe her words then. Because if you do not want to give someone the wrong idea, you wouldn't allow the person to do things that will lead him/her on. To be honest, I don't blame her for anything despite the pain. I believe it was something fundamental (communication) that snowballed into what it is today. In any case, it doesn't matter anymore.
I saw them going back home together today. I must admit, I've never sent her home from school the last semester because I just went home to mug after school. I was really focused last semester despite the feeling of not wanting to study because like I mentioned in my earlier posts, I want to grad with a good degree and provide for her in the future. The only thing I did last semester was to nag at her for not sleeping/drinking/eating, I knew that even though she says she knows it's for her own good, one day she will be tired of it. But I was just hoping that she could lead a healthier lifestyle before she gets tired of my nagging. Apparently, I failed. Not being hard on myself here, just stating facts.
I was looking forward to her convocation this year at the start of the year because I felt happy for her that she don't need to study anymore, something which she does not have much passion about. But now, it doesn't matter much anymore. Anyway, seeing them go home together, I'd be lying if I say I don't feel any pain. But I know there's nothing much I can do. She told me before that I am one of the reasons why she isn't getting together with him yet, but since she is already so determined to make me give up, there is no reason for her to use me as a reason not to be with him anymore. I also do not want to be once again the one that is stopping her from doing things she likes. I am moving on well given that I didn't do what zw did by following and running to the train station to say 'hi'. *lolz* jk..I am moving on well because I've accepted it already, if they get together, I will have to face them appearing in front of me anyway provided she still regard me as a friend la else why will she even meet me? *lolz*
I don't know how long she going to give me the cold turkey treatment. All I know is, it's just adding on to awkwardness and makes me feel v trying even talking as a friend capacity. It's just unnatural and I just felt like there's really no need to do until like that. But since she's comfortable doing it and this is the distance that she wanna keep from me, then I can only accept it. She says she don't know how to face the current me, but I also increasingly don't know how to face her because everything is getting awkward and unnatural. If she going to do this till I've no more feelings for her then that will be like don't know when. *lolz* But I can understand that she's doing it to kill off any hopes of patching back. Actually to me, I no longer think of patching back. IF ever, I am saying IF we are together again, it will not be a patch back. It will be a fresh new beginning for 2 new people but of course this IF has almost 0% chance of occurring hence, I no longer think of patching back already. But then again, what holds in the future no one knows, so just let nature takes its course =)). No point forcing, love is like fart, if you force it, the only thing that will come out is probably shit.
Right now, it seems to me that she is happy with zw sticking around her, showering her the attention which I deprived her of, offering her his different viewpoints, supporting her in almost everything she does and letting her be herself. Thus, so long as she is happy jiu hao. Not that I don't want to fight for what I want, but at this point, the commander wants me to give up altogether. 君要臣死，臣不得不死. *lolz*
Anyway, I wanna thank huiching here even though she won't see it. She's really nice to send me a card to support me. She says she's never seen me so emo before despite knowing me for a decade. *lolz* true and untrue, I've been emo before but never for such an extended period. But thanks HC, it was really thoughtful =) May you have a blessed wedding! I am much better already. =)
